||[09. 05. 2006
i am 15 minutes late for my last day of work, which i figure is ok, since we will just be staying inside all day as it is raining, hard. when i show up, there is an already eaten platter of bagels, which around lunchtime, the child care director off-handedly (?) mentions were for my last day... i walk inside with huge bags full of coloring books, photographs and blankets i made for the daycare. sighing heavily, i remember that these gifts are for the kids, who have made my summer, not for the teachers who have only annoyed and discouraged me on so many various occasions.
as the kids leave, one by one, they say goodbye as if they'll see me next week, normal time and place. this is untrue - but i suppose since the child care director didn't decide to tell the kids it was my last day, it's really not my place to. anyway, this made my last day anti-climactical. on the upside, practically tear free. i say practically because an hour later i am on I-95 and just lose it, for whatever reason.
6 hours at tomb, where a cleaning frenzy that consumes the larger part of the weekend to follow begins.
today i see the first and the last show go through tomb, and clean so much in between it is exhausting perhaps for others to consider, but all i know is that it felt good and kept my mind off other things.
while at work, i miss both my cousin karah's 9th birthday party, and maria's 19th. luckily, i am too tired to remember to be upset.
spent far too many hours at work to begin with, and then decided to spend a few more after we closed with brittany, noah, stad, spike and schuyler playing trivial pursuit and outburst. as we all know, i hate to lose at games. as well all know, i hate to not be paid attention to. as we all know, i am terribly sensitive and have a very mean angry streak. all of these things added together lead to a very large scale fight between schuyler and i that turned my stomach.
now i'm in boston. i'm so far behind. classes start tomorrow. everything is such a big mess, but i am handling it much better than expected. from time to time though, things come out of my mouth that take me by surprise and i feel like a complete stranger. this is my life?, i wonder. and not just wonder, i mean wonder, like the beginning of wonderful.
everything is "perfect," but as always threatening to dissapear out from under me when i am least expecting and least ready for it. i have no idea how much fight i have in me to keep the things i love at arms length against their will, and this worries me.
boston is amazing. these laughs, these faces, these people i have missed so much, and it feels so good to know that the things you wanted really are the things you want once you get them. this is. boston is. but everyone else i love isn't as happy as i am here, and this, i fear, coudl turn out to be a devastating blow to my own contentment.
hopefully brandon will come see my apartment soon.
in other news, from now on you can find me here;
victorycheers victorycheers victorycheers victorycheers victorycheers victorycheers victorycheers victorycheers victorycheers victorycheers victorycheers victorycheers
(i'll be updating there later today with lots of pictures - seeing as i have nothing to do besides sit around and wait for my shelving to arrive via ups).
||[08. 23. 2006
summer-esque, i'm fading quickly.
( greenery and humid airCollapse )
apprx. one week!
there are so many lists to make, and things to buy, and people to spend time with / say goodbye to, that my body is having a hard time functioning at all right.
left work early today, queasy, weak, and afraid i wouldn't be able to make it all the way home.
this past week has been...? there are too many seperate parts of my life right now, i think! picnics, field trips, road trips, long distance drunk dials, family gatherings and very little, albeit very busy, "me" time.
morning (9:30-4:30): work at daycare (pool party)
evening: errands / project runway (with jake?)
morning (9:30-4:30): work at daycare
evening: errands, but free-ish (so hang out with me)
morning (9:30-4:30): work at daycare (field trip to new castle)
evening (6:00-midnight): work at TOMB
all day (9:30-midnight): work at TOMB
day: feel glum about missing my cousin karah's bday party.
night: feel glum about missing maria's bday party.
all day (9:30-8:00): work at TOMB
and there is where the insanity ends. for three days.
on the upside, life lately has been incredibly productive, which i'm happy for - but dizzy because of.
there are sleepyily scribbled stories of the past week scattered all underneath my bed, but i am too tired to think about transcribing.
||[08. 14. 2006
( i love my friendsCollapse )
i did a lot of driving this weekend.
spent: a nervous / happy couple of days in vermont.
a miserable / under appreciated day working in boston.
a glorious / bittersweet night with friends in dover.
helping with the girls' soccer tryouts / ice cream tonight.
16 more days!
( ++++++++Collapse )
||[08. 04. 2006
i love my friends.
( MORE.Collapse )
i'll be in boston for most of the weekend.
i have a ton more pictures to scan / post.
uhhhhhhhhh summer is ending quickly!
&& my sister is seventeen today!
(and a total loser).
||[07. 30. 2006
||[07. 25. 2006
"these days," i am always saying, "these days, these days, these days."
caught somewhere in between holding on for dear life and letting go of everything, things seem to be moving so fast. "time out!" i want to say, "water break," "team huddle!!" my lungs ache to scream - time out time out time out from life, everyone i love in the same room. everyone i love and have ever loved, because i am so tired of missing you and wondering where you are. get out of jail free cards for everyone! one quick hug and a mutual giggle shared between old friends to clear up years and years (or months and months) of falling out of touch, and being too busy. that is what i wish for.
so, that is what i'm doing. that is what i'm up to, if you're wondering. steph as usual - living in the past, wishing for things that won't happen, waiting for what's next all through what is and staying up late wondering why i'm so sleepy.
despite all of this being so juvenile and scattered lately, in real life i am writing a lot of things i like, and am thankful for that.
work was long today.
dinner was nice, schuyler and i ate at the linwood.
but, i forgot to do something which really was important to me, and how dumb i feel about it in turn ruined something else that was really important to me and now i just feel stupid and regretful.
and also gross and ready for bed.
work again tomorrow. work always. and forever.
||[07. 23. 2006
meghan and jackie
( & more blurry pictures.Collapse )
- my parents are having a neighborhood pool party today?
- i really really really want to go see monster house and my super ex girlfriend.
- soccer game tonight, and i am sad that the season (and summer!!!) are winding down.
- mostly because summer never really "picked up."
- kelly's house was fun, it was so nice to see jackie and meghan.
- but i wish i saw my friends at home more often. i guess it seems so simple - all summer free at home, you expect to see your best friends lots and lots. but then there are jobs, and missed phone calls, and high gas prices, and long drives, and nothing really to do - and i've ended up seeing most (all) of my friends once or twice (five times?) all summer. which is sad, but i guess i'm not sad like "oh man, we really could have and should have hung out more." there just isn't all the time in the world anymore, like in highschool, where we had all afternoon and all weekend and were eachother's lives. the change of it all makes me sadder than the dissapointment of summer not being that way (because that's unrealistic). but hey, already i am seeing a lot of them this weekend, so that is excellent.
- only a little more than a month until boston!
- this summer has flown by.
- it's going to be so so so weird not seeing the little kids in the daycare everyday, and lately i've been realizing that i'm going to miss them!
- but, i'm finally sure sure sure that i'm on the right path and stuff (even though so often so many paths feel like they would be right). but i guess you only get one path (this bums me out so often).
- everytime you say, "you broke my heart," i'm trying my hardest, but i can't make that "you" me. it all seems so surreal, and already, since i haven't seen you, so long ago.
MY WEEK OUTLOOK:
( i haven't done this in so long )
morning / afternoon / night: TOMB (9:30-8:00), dinner with schuyler
morning / afternoon: work (9:30-4:30)
morning / afternoon: work (9:30-4:30)
night: soccer game in epping (6:30)
morning / afternoon: work (9:30-4:30)
night: maria and april's new apartment?
morning / afternoon: work - fieldtrip to the pool (9:30-4:30) but i'm going to try to get this day off.
night: boston, i think.
morning / afternoon: TOMB (9:30 - whenever noah comes in)
night: maria and april's?
morning / afternoon: free
night: soccer game in epping (6:30), free after.
||[07. 20. 2006
- all of the relationships in my life feel crazy and on edge, and due largely to the fact that this is only 50% my imagination / nerves making things up - i'm vowing to be done worrying about them so much. i feel like i put so much into everything i do lately - and it is just exhausting me! high hopes, but realistically i just don't have enough time to be all of the places i want to be with all the people i love, so it is silly for me to stress about the impossible.
- i love when science can explain emotions. it makes me feel less crazy. lately, i feel so crazy. the things that come out of my mouth - 99% of the time this week i've just wanted to vacuum sucker them back inside. but i am just too tired tired tired to think before i speak.
- the weakerthans was last friday. i'm scared to say how much i loved it because do you ever have a good time, and you think everything is great - and then after you are very much taken by surprise by the person you were with being very uspet with the whole affair? and then you feel like a complete idiot for feeling like you were having a good time the whole time and being completely oblivious to well i don't know everything? that's how i feel about it.
- and lastly, i need to decide on a fucking personality. or at least a mood. or at least not be offended when people say that i am one thing which i am not proud of being that day (even though i was totally into acting that way the day before, and probably will be fine with it again tomorrow).
- maybe it's not just in my best interest that i've been spending so much time alone lately. at home, anyway. i'm thinking it's good that i'm only going to be in boston to work this weekend (and that is it!). i feel too wound up in that whole situation right now. especially since tonight i caught myself waiting up for a phone call i should've known better than to expect to be worth the wait.
- i am constantly at war with myself.
- and constantly at work, so why is the balance of my bank account looking so pathetic.
- sometimes it's a temper tantrum, and sometimes it's a passive, sleepy nod of head to whatever it is you are trying to tell me. less often than before (to my disgust), "i don't care." no matter what it is, more often than not i am left feeling defeated. every conversation in my life in the past week has felt like a quarrel. i need some time away.
- i am lacking the composure that usually makes me so secure with my decisions and my feelings. i am lacking my usual tone of voice, my usual pattern of speech, my usual manner of expression (my usual social security blanket). feeling subpar.
- usually writing things out (like how crazy i am feeling) helps me make sense of it all. like i can just organize my thoughts until they make sense on paper. no. right now the more i am writing the more infuriated i get and crazier i seem, even to myself.
- it's just because i can't put my finger on what is bothering me (about everyone). i never even imagined half the people in my life acting the way that they are, and i have absolutely no idea how to even handle it. i can't even get past comprehending it.
( pictures i keep forgetting.Collapse )
||[07. 07. 2006
( cape cod.Collapse )
i will tuck this trip neatly away into where i keep all of my favorite memories.
from now on, though: i need to take better care of myself.
haven't been into work all since last friday - and i can't go in until TUESDAY. bye bye richgirl.
my head is still spinning, everything since friday has felt like a complete (fever induced) dream.
in other news:
i have strep throat and will be home alllllllllll day tomorrow :(